SHOPPING FOR A BATHING SUIT
I don't know about you, but trying to find a bathing suit is right up there with pulling my lower lip up over my head! A Friend sent a very funny commentary on the ordeal of shopping for the perfect bathing suit. Unfortunately, the author is unknown so I can't give credit where credit is due but I just had to share it with you.
Plus, I am busy every day this week through Sunday afternoon with helping build a Community Built Playground! This playground will be handicapped accessible which means I will be able to take my Grandson James who has CP to a playground and he can play shoulder to shoulder with other children! I'm on the Food Crew, it's HOT, HOT, HOT and I'm Tired, Tired, Tired but it's all for James!
The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks - any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Play-doh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there
you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
over-sized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read: 'Material might become
transparent in water'.
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
With or without a bathing suit.
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks - any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Play-doh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there
you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
over-sized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read: 'Material might become
transparent in water'.
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
With or without a bathing suit.
BLESSINGS
I laughed so hard and then read it to my husband. This about sounds like my search for a bathing suit. I finally ordered one on-line and it turned out to be a little large for me, but it covers me up. Even when I was a child the suits had more to them structurally than they do today.
ReplyDeleteJane, I am right up there with you.....buying a bathing suit is on a par with having teeth pulled, I reckon. Today I bought a card for a friend - it shows two less-than-svelte middle-aged woman sitting at a table, shopping bags on the floor beside them, perusing menus.....one is saying to the other "Bear in mind that we just bought string bikinis".
ReplyDeleteSo funny and so true! Keep cool and take lots of breaks, sounds like a worthy project.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to get down on the floor to roll around and laugh but I'm at work and they would probably take me to the 2nd floor of the hospital!
ReplyDeleteThanks for making my Monday morning better!
Thaz....heeee-LAR-eee-us! I've not shopped for a bathing suit in more than 6 or 7 years. But, right now I'm on a quest to loose 30 plus lbs by January 2012...so, hopefully I will find a bathing suit...and not be so embarrassed by summer of 2012.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
hugZ,
annie
rubyslipperz106.blogspot.com
Oh my gosh this was so funny!! And so true!!!!!
ReplyDelete